my working week and my sunday rest.

i don't feel like writing
or taking pictures
my apologies

i feel good
though

they say i've got brains
but they ain't doing me no good
i wish they could

each time things start to happen again
i think i've got something good going to myself
but what goes wrong?

every time i get the inspiration
to go change things around
no one wants to help me look for places
where new things might be found


(i can't put the words like this myself, so i have to get help from brian wilson)

i saw you some days ago.
you smiled and waved at me. i thought i had used all the thoughts i was supposed to use on you. that you somehow was out of my mind.
but then i saw you.
that smile.
and the fact that you have never thought about kissing me.
i know you haven't. i can tell.
it kills me.
if you knew how i have felt about you, you wouldn't smile that way at me.
you would just turn your head away and try not to hurt me.
but you don't know.
that you still make me
crazy.

i googled 'berlin wohnung'.
it felt like a big step to browse around the pages with pictures of living rooms and windows and kitchens and to consider, whether it was expensive or cheap.
and with every click i asked myself: "do i see myself in this place?".
i can see myself everywhere but here right now.

it bothers me that i don't know why i'm longing so badly to move.
i have a great relationship with my family. we have so much fun, we can talk about everything, everything is good.
i just want to try to make my own mistakes and buy my own food and spend too much money, so i have to eat really crappy food the rest af the month. i want to invite people over for dinner spontaneously. i want to buy my own furniture.

the new ikea catalogue has come. i've already crossed out the things i love, even though i'm not moving before next summer.
i need to have my own world and responsibility.

i never thought about why my father wears two wedding rings on his finger.

when my father turned fifty some years ago, we looked at a picture of his parents. they are dead now. his father, my grandfather, died, when i was two, and my grandmother died, when i was four or five. but she was very sick, so my memory of her is of a weak, crying woman, begging us to stay forever and never go home from the hospital.
he looked at the picture and burst into tears.
and said: 'i just wish they could see what i have done in this life'. afterwards he left the table.

now i understand.
why he wears two wedding rings.
i had to use my parents' bathroom some days ago, and the two rings were lying next to the sink. i picked them up.
inside of the first one was written the name lene. lene is my mother. he loves my mother more than life.
he once said that he would rather kill himself than to live without her.

inside the other ring was written the name else.
else was my grandmother, the wife of my father's father.
it fits my father's finger perfectly.
his blood flows in my father's veins.

a week ago he told me that the only footage of his parent's were stolen in 1995.
it was of his father, his mom and my mom having lunch. no one talked to the camera. they were just sitting there, eating, talking, acting like every wednesday, when they had lunch.
i think he feels like he has lost a part of his soul, when the tape was stolen.
i hate the burglars more than anything in this world now.

now i understand how much my father misses them.
and how badly a need he feels to show them what he has accomplished.

i cried when i saw it.
else.
i never understood before.

i never seem to get better at posting to my journal.


good things
all my exams went extremely great in june
i saw some great concerts at roskilde festival and spent time with the sweetest girls
i'm not out of money
the decaydance-concert in paris in august with cloé! which means that i'm going to see panic! at the disco
my cooking skills are improving

less good
the weather is pretty bad all the goddamned time
i got dumped by a guy i was starting to really like
it's hard to find a place to sleep in paris
i'll be out of money soon if i continue buying clothes and food all the time
i'm tired all the time, so i get up too late and gets nothing done

this is how i looked yesterday

monday is apparently a day of changes.

i got a new hair cut today. it's cute, it truly is.
and i quit my job. i liked the job. my boss gave us a letter he had written about us being too lazy. it made me so angry that i went to his desk and asked him, if i needed to write it on a piece of paper or if it was enough that i just said to him that i was quitting.

tomorrow i'm fighting the first battle of many in the fight for a driver's license!

i listened to a long forgotten cd of mine. i haven't listened to it in about two years or so. the range hood made a lot of noise, so i turned the volume up and all the songs started reminding me of things i had forgotten - just i had forgotten about the cd.

and the exact same words moved me as i was moved two years ago.
i'm gonna buy a gun and start a war, if you can tell me something worth fighting for.

i made lots of pancakes today, because it is my brother's birthday.


and i found my cat sleeping in all my socks. i love him!


i recieved my hoodie for my trip to prague with my school. and i really like it. it beats all the other classes' hoodies.

could I ever find in you again
things that made me love you so much then?
could we ever bring 'em back once they have gone?
oh, caroline, no.

spring time will do me good.